19th april

I tried again this morning only to realise that the knife I was using was so blunt it wouldn't cut how it made a small cut the first time I don't know but when I looked at the tiny cut that I made I thought that deep down I couldn't do it now I know it was the knife, today wasn't as bad as then and I've settled for making lots of little cuts (after changing the blade twice as the second one was sharper but not much it left a cut that was a little more than a paper cut and going over it again didn't make much difference) just to feel the pain of them I've done nothing much I just can't bring myself to do anything at all right now. Pain is the only friend I have it's there when I need it and when I don't, it doesn't care what mood I'm in it's there for me, it's there reminding me that I'm alive, now all I need is something to live for and maybe I'll need pain no more but till then pain is my friend, my best friend even. When I stop feeling the pain or if the pain becomes to much then I know it's time to end it all.

Numbness

Numbness in gulfs me as the things I once enjoyed seem to mean less and less to me. It's hard to feel normal anymore as I slowly stop caring about myself. The reality of simple task, like cleaning my teeth and shaving, seem so pointless when I don't want to be here tomorrow, and as the days go on I find myself just wanting to sleep, as sleep brings what little comfort I get, and when I'm awake I just find that I need to do something to take my mind off things but just doing anything is a mission in it's self. I can't get in to books, have little enjoyment from films and TV and internet fails to hold my interest anymore.the only things that seem to work at the moment are walking and music and thats only if I'm doing both but my walks are getting longer and longer. I find myself walking until my feet hurt and my Ipod's battery is dead and then I keep on walking using my mobile for music. Sometimes when I get home I can hardly walk I would be losing weight but most of the eating I'm doing is comfort eating and can't remember the last time I had three proper meals in a day. But I can't go for walks everyday because of my feet wouldn't let me but mainly because of this numbness, and when I don't feel numb I'm scared as my pain feels stronger and harder to control and I find myself thinking that I'm losing the battle with my mind as I'm thinking of lots of things I shouldn't do to take the pain away and I know I can't keep say no forever and if I do some of the things I'm think off I know that afterwards I will feel so bad that I'll want to do something more drastic and final. I just need to try and sort out something which would help change something else and with a couple of changes maybe I can start feeling good about myself again.

Hollow

My life feels so hollow so empty inside going from day to day doing the same routine and not knowing why, just hoping that something will change that it'll get better but it never does, as hope fads as dream are crushed and buried under a mountain of pain as I stumble on my way trying just to make one thing better and hope the rest will follow. But it never does and what was good soon goes bad as the poison of this world creeps in and I'm left with nothing not even a dream but I need something to kill this anguish, something to soften the blows that rain down on me so I buy I spend I eat just to try and dull the pain but this just covers it up it's no cure and soon I'm left wanting more as my pain returns each time just covering it up I'm always left wanting more so I buy more spend more eat more to try and fill this hollow but like trying to fill a colander with water it empties as fast as it fills and i can't keep up. I need to feel the things I miss to make me whole I need to feel wanted that I'm not just here to make up the numbers I need to feel appreciated I work hard not just to do my job but to help others around me yet those who I help often take the piss. But most of all I need to feel loved to feel that I worth something, that those around me care, how much more of this life I can take I don't know because without hope, witout dreams, without love what is there to live for.

darkness

i feel the darkness hanging over me, like a shadow, slowly plunging my world deeper in to night,
even as i stand in the blinding light. Lost. Alone. Scared. I wonder onward ever onward trying to find the cure, this thing i need to save me, but the harder i look the more i am lost. Am i doom forever to wander in the darkness while all around me are in light. They see not my blight, offer no help, no way back to escape my night. This cold and lonely place where I find myself, even in a room full of people i am lost, i am alone, i am scared. scared of want will become of me, but more scared of what i may become, as the need to escape drives me ever forward but somehow always back, back to where I'm scared, where it's easier to hurt than be hurt to pray on the weak than be prayed on. I reach out to those around me grabbing and clawing for a hold, a grip on what is real but my hands find nothing there, then it's gone, was it all in my mind. The sights the sounds of happiness seem so far away as the shadows takes over me, consuming me in the dark dankness of my life willing me to sink in to the depth's as i fight. I've fought this losing battle for far to long, it saps my strength, my will to live but i go on trying to win this hopeless fight for now but for how long, how much more can i take of this loss. if only i can find something real something genuine that can guild me back to the safety of day to hold me to save me to love me. but nothing is real in this world of mine, all is fake offering as little as they can yet taking all you can give then letting go to watch you plunge down to the abyss, still time after time I try again hoping this time the hand will hold will pull me from this dread that has become my life.