19th april

I tried again this morning only to realise that the knife I was using was so blunt it wouldn't cut how it made a small cut the first time I don't know but when I looked at the tiny cut that I made I thought that deep down I couldn't do it now I know it was the knife, today wasn't as bad as then and I've settled for making lots of little cuts (after changing the blade twice as the second one was sharper but not much it left a cut that was a little more than a paper cut and going over it again didn't make much difference) just to feel the pain of them I've done nothing much I just can't bring myself to do anything at all right now. Pain is the only friend I have it's there when I need it and when I don't, it doesn't care what mood I'm in it's there for me, it's there reminding me that I'm alive, now all I need is something to live for and maybe I'll need pain no more but till then pain is my friend, my best friend even. When I stop feeling the pain or if the pain becomes to much then I know it's time to end it all.