19th april

I tried again this morning only to realise that the knife I was using was so blunt it wouldn't cut how it made a small cut the first time I don't know but when I looked at the tiny cut that I made I thought that deep down I couldn't do it now I know it was the knife, today wasn't as bad as then and I've settled for making lots of little cuts (after changing the blade twice as the second one was sharper but not much it left a cut that was a little more than a paper cut and going over it again didn't make much difference) just to feel the pain of them I've done nothing much I just can't bring myself to do anything at all right now. Pain is the only friend I have it's there when I need it and when I don't, it doesn't care what mood I'm in it's there for me, it's there reminding me that I'm alive, now all I need is something to live for and maybe I'll need pain no more but till then pain is my friend, my best friend even. When I stop feeling the pain or if the pain becomes to much then I know it's time to end it all.

Numbness

Numbness in gulfs me as the things I once enjoyed seem to mean less and less to me. It's hard to feel normal anymore as I slowly stop caring about myself. The reality of simple task, like cleaning my teeth and shaving, seem so pointless when I don't want to be here tomorrow, and as the days go on I find myself just wanting to sleep, as sleep brings what little comfort I get, and when I'm awake I just find that I need to do something to take my mind off things but just doing anything is a mission in it's self. I can't get in to books, have little enjoyment from films and TV and internet fails to hold my interest anymore.the only things that seem to work at the moment are walking and music and thats only if I'm doing both but my walks are getting longer and longer. I find myself walking until my feet hurt and my Ipod's battery is dead and then I keep on walking using my mobile for music. Sometimes when I get home I can hardly walk I would be losing weight but most of the eating I'm doing is comfort eating and can't remember the last time I had three proper meals in a day. But I can't go for walks everyday because of my feet wouldn't let me but mainly because of this numbness, and when I don't feel numb I'm scared as my pain feels stronger and harder to control and I find myself thinking that I'm losing the battle with my mind as I'm thinking of lots of things I shouldn't do to take the pain away and I know I can't keep say no forever and if I do some of the things I'm think off I know that afterwards I will feel so bad that I'll want to do something more drastic and final. I just need to try and sort out something which would help change something else and with a couple of changes maybe I can start feeling good about myself again.